The Story

So here's the deal...

My husband, I'll call him H for now, had been acting funny for months. The first real moment I remembered thinking "What the hell is wrong with him?" was on Mother's Day 2010. It was my first *real* Mother's Day and I wanted nothing more than to spend time with my little family. However, all I remember is H acting like he wanted to be anywhere but with us. When I would ask him what was wrong the excuse was "Nothing. I'm just tired. Don't take it so personally. It's not you. I love you." That was the excuse I heard every time I asked that question for the next 7 months. Up until the day he told me how he really felt. He didn't love me. He didn't love being with me and our son. He had been working all of those extra hours not to support us, but to get away from us. How the hell could I have been so dumb? I asked myself that question more times than I can count....

Over the past few weeks, however, I've realized something...I'm not dumb. I was never dumb. I loved him. I still do. I trusted him with my money, my life, my home, my son. Why would I not trust him to love me? I mean, at one point he got in front of 200 of our closest family and friends and vowed to love me forever--for better or for worse. Why on God's green earth would I think he'd do any different? Especially if I asked him repeatedly if he was okay...if he loved me...if he would ever leave me, and he always promised me he would never...?

In all of this thinking I also realized something else. People change. Most of the time for better, but sometimes for worse. H is no different. He is human, and he is allowed to change. I just wish that his "changing ways" didn't affect me so much. Didn't affect my son. That's the hardest part--my son. How is he going to handle all of this? Will he understand that this is not the life I wanted for him? Will he understand that I love his dad, but his dad doesn't love me back? Will he hate his dad for that?

The rollercoaster of emotions that comes with all of this is just ridiculous. I have literally gone from smiling and laughing to curled up in a ball sobbing in seconds. I have gone days without crying to not being able to crawl out of bed. People tell me this is normal. I'm glad it is, or I'd feel like a certified nutjob.