Beef, Bean, and Cheese Quesadillas

I would eat Mexican food every day if I could. Unfortunately, I run low on ingredients sometimes! Last week I found myself craving some Mexican, and all I had was tortillas, ground beef, refried beans, and cheddar cheese. I did some poking around and found a recipe for Beef, Bean, and Cheese quesadillas. Even then, I didn't have all of the ingredients so I tweaked it a little bit to make it my own.

Ingredients:

• 1 lb. lean ground beef (ground turkey would probably be just as delicious)
• 1 packet (or 1/4 c.) taco seasoning
  
• 1 can refriend beans (I used original, but fat free works too)
• 8 in. flour tortillas
• Cheddar or Mexican Blend cheese
• Sour cream and salsa for dipping

Directions:

1. Brown ground beef.
2. Drain beef and add taco seasoning according to directions on the packet.
3. Heat a separate, dry skillet on Medium heat.
4. Spread a layer of refried beans onto half of a tortilla.
5. Add tortilla with beans to the heated, dry skillet.
6. Add a spoonful of beef on top of the beans. Sprinkle with desired amount of cheese.
7. With a spatula, fold over the empty half of the tortilla on top of the beans, beef, and cheese.
8. When tortilla starts to crisp, flip over with the spatula and allow the other side to crisp as well (approximately 1-2 minutes on each side).
9. Remove from heat. Make as many quesadillas as you want!
10. Cut into wedges with a pizza cutter. Top or dip into your favorite condiments!

Jealousy

I think one of the hardest things, by far, in being a single mom is dealing with jealousy. Not dealing with an immature jackass, not spending a weekend without my son, but being jealous of everyone else who has a "complete" family. All my life I dreamed of finding the perfect man (check), having the most beautiful wedding (check), having a beautiful baby (check), and living happily ever after (FAIL). And as soon as I realize that the latter was a failure, all I have around me are all of these stinking happy families. I can't even go to the mall and see two parents walking around with their children without my blood starting to boil. What did they do right that I didn't? What did I do to deserve having my dreams shattered? I tried as hard as I could to be a good wife only to have it thrown back in my face. I may have been a bit of a nag, but what woman isn't? All I asked for was a happy family. That was it. I didn't ask for extravagant things, fancy jewelry, the nicer car...I didn't hate on his family. I honestly feel like I did everything right. And I am so freaking jealous of everyone who has the life that I want right now.

First of many "every other weekends"

So yesterday N went with his dad for his first weekend away from home. I haven't cried that hard since the day H told me wanted to leave. I can deal with the effects that my marriage ending has on myself, but I cannot deal with the effects it will have on my child. I know that he is young, he won't remember it, he'll be used to it, blah, blah, blah...but this is NOT the life I wanted for him. He was born into a stable, happy, loving family. And just because one person out of that family got tired of being in it, my son's life has to be turned upside down. It is so not fair.

On a happier note, N does seem to be having fun with his dad and I am enjoying the time to myself. I've taken a few long, hot showers, a few naps, and went to get my hair done today. It felt good to be on my own schedule. However, I'd rather have my family back together than have a weekend to myself. There's a good and a bad side to this entire ridiculous situation. Part of me still wishes this situation never had to come about in the first place...

Anger

So this is a new one for me. First I was sad. Really, really sad. Then happy. Really, really happy. Now I'm angry? Really? Yesterday I slammed a door so hard paint literally flew off the door. H was here at the house and it took everything I had not to shove him out the door. Seriously, the stages of grief of this entire thing are ridiculous. Luckily, I've got these to help keep me sane...

Song of the Day

I hope this isn't just a phase...

I am happy. I haven't cried in days, I walk around the house singing....what is going on? Is this normal? I thought absence was supposed to make the heart grow fonder...I thought when he left I was supposed to miss him terribly. So why did I dance around my house singing "Do You Love Me" (ironic huh...)? I'm either a certified nutjob (see my first post) or I'm just going through one of those normal phases of grief after separation. This time I'm actually hoping for certified nutjob status.

Getting the ball rolling...

On Monday I had an initial consult with my attorney. She is a truly fascinating and intelligent woman who I know will take excellent care of N and I. After meeting with her I discussed with H some of the details of custody arrangements with N and finances...all of that boring stuff. He agreed on everything we discussed (yay!!!) so I decided to call up my attorney and set up a retainer--our separation will be legal.

While you'd think this thought would sadden me--devastate me, even--it doesn't. Not even a little bit. The thought of being *me* again and having *my* life back is amazing. While I love H more than anything, we just couldn't get along anymore. It was as if we were two strangers living under one roof (funny...I always heard people say that, but never understood it until now...). Don't get me wrong, I'd love more than anything for H to come home tomorrow and say this was all a mistake and that he loves me and wants everything to be the way it used to be, but I know this isn't going to happen. I've somehow allowed myself to become okay with everything. I'm starting not to feel embarrassed about having a failing marriage. I haven't worn my wedding rings in 5 days. I'm starting to tell people that my husband moved out. I'm somehow at peace. I don't know how, but I am, and I like it.

The Story

So here's the deal...

My husband, I'll call him H for now, had been acting funny for months. The first real moment I remembered thinking "What the hell is wrong with him?" was on Mother's Day 2010. It was my first *real* Mother's Day and I wanted nothing more than to spend time with my little family. However, all I remember is H acting like he wanted to be anywhere but with us. When I would ask him what was wrong the excuse was "Nothing. I'm just tired. Don't take it so personally. It's not you. I love you." That was the excuse I heard every time I asked that question for the next 7 months. Up until the day he told me how he really felt. He didn't love me. He didn't love being with me and our son. He had been working all of those extra hours not to support us, but to get away from us. How the hell could I have been so dumb? I asked myself that question more times than I can count....

Over the past few weeks, however, I've realized something...I'm not dumb. I was never dumb. I loved him. I still do. I trusted him with my money, my life, my home, my son. Why would I not trust him to love me? I mean, at one point he got in front of 200 of our closest family and friends and vowed to love me forever--for better or for worse. Why on God's green earth would I think he'd do any different? Especially if I asked him repeatedly if he was okay...if he loved me...if he would ever leave me, and he always promised me he would never...?

In all of this thinking I also realized something else. People change. Most of the time for better, but sometimes for worse. H is no different. He is human, and he is allowed to change. I just wish that his "changing ways" didn't affect me so much. Didn't affect my son. That's the hardest part--my son. How is he going to handle all of this? Will he understand that this is not the life I wanted for him? Will he understand that I love his dad, but his dad doesn't love me back? Will he hate his dad for that?

The rollercoaster of emotions that comes with all of this is just ridiculous. I have literally gone from smiling and laughing to curled up in a ball sobbing in seconds. I have gone days without crying to not being able to crawl out of bed. People tell me this is normal. I'm glad it is, or I'd feel like a certified nutjob.

I'm New Here....

I hate being the new girl. No one likes to enter an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar faces and uncertainty about will happen next. But here I am. The new girl in the world single moms.

A few weeks ago, December 21 to be exact, my husband of 2 years told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He wasn’t happy at home with me and our 1 year old son. He’d rather be on his own, see his friends whenever he wants, work all the hours in the world, and pretend that we don’t exist. OK, not exactly, but that’s what it feels like.

I wasn’t sure that I wanted to start this blog. In fact, I signed up for it a couple of weeks ago, but have just now mustered up the courage to start writing. I need a place to publish my thoughts, my mindless ramblings, my victories and my defeats. I need a place where others can see how this is truly affecting my life. I also wanted a place where others who are going through similar situations can come to a realization: they are not alone.

And so it begins, my journey in the world of blogs and single moms.